:’( They say crying is good for the soul. & it letting it out will make you feel less heavy burdened. But today I miss him more then ever. I cant stop crying. I miss you my love. Not to far is your home coming and I am counting the days which just makes it more dreadful. I have written this blog to keep all the memories of the process. In reminder of what God has done and is going to do after the storm. Can’t rain forever the sun has to come out some time. If only I can tell you how much I love. But there is no possible way because of the limitation we have to our communication. Maybe if I climbed to the highest mountain and shouted it from the most deepest part of my heart and lungs I will feel all the pain that is in my heart go away. But even then shouting it out and looking to the side and seeing that you still arent by my side, the hurt will just crawl back to where it was. Yet I am hopeful that your homecoming is sooner than we have predicted. What I would give to have you in my arms. I miss you so much. My heart aches, its hard to swallow its like I have this big knot in my throat. Trying to be a strong mom and show my kids to always laugh even when you are in pain and hurt. Those who have a calling in Gods hands suffer but its to make them stronger to be of an example. So here I am God make of me what you want. Here I am.
Why me? Why now? Why? Babysitter is sick two days straight and although I told my boss it still feels like calling out is something bad. I feel like I’m going to get fired but also protected by Gods grace. Things happen you dont intend on them happening but they do happen. But are people wise enough to have mercy to put themselves in someones shoes and see what it looks like on the other side. My kids dont have anyone but me and I want to show to so many people out there that I can do this with or without my husband. As much as my heart cries to do it with him I want to be able to show everyone that I can do it all by myself with three kids, a job, school, and first and foremost God and the church. I know that God has called me and that he will always have my back even when you feel like he isnt listening he is. Even when you feel the loneliest anyone can ever feel that is when he is closest to you so why worry? Why? And in the end I always answer my own question, thank you God. Why should I worry if God supplies the needs of the birds, then humans who are higher then them should be even more depended on God. If my man cannot do anything to me then I shall not fear. If God is for us who is against us. God fights for us we shall stay still and let him fight. Amen.
One of those days where I just wanna leave my house and get a babysitter because I want to be by myself. My kids are driving me insane, and its just another day that is a lot harder without him. My heart cries out I need you, yet God hears me and gives me strength. But the strength dont stop me from missing him and needing him. I just can’t do this alone and neither can they. They really need their father just as much as I do. My head is going to explode if I have to yell at the kids again. Never ask for patience because God will give you a situation to test your patience and bring it higher so that you have a limit of patience. #tested #sad #lonely #abandoned
It came the day I feared. The day where he would go back to jail and leave me alone with ours kids. My mind battles with my heart telling me if he would have just stayed at the halfway house and finished his time I wouldn’t be here. But then again God tells me “were you in his shoes to know how he felt without his family?” and that is why he left. I get it Father I understand and maybe your doing this to glorify yourself. I believe in you God and you are never deaf to hear my cries. Neither your arm to short to be able to reach out to catch me because I feel like I’m going to fall. So I believe that you are the highest judge, and the highest lawyer and have his case in your hands and you will work out to your favor. I know that my tears are not in vane God and you will do something, because in my hurt and in my trial something has to occur. I proclaim victory, and your glory and blessings showering over my home, ministry, and family. Amen
When I got out the car, looking at him from far, I had the butterflies just like I did when we were in middle school. Being married to the man I have had a crush since I was 11 years old. 11 years later and here I am and that man for now 4 years has been my husband. A lot of things happened. Mistakes and bad decision making. But everything was forgiven and we’ve been working past it. And for God’s glory everything is better then it was before. I don’t even want to imagine what my life would be without him. I was even scared to give him a kiss. After not seeing him for 2 years it felt like we were dating all over again. I had to get to know him all over again and refresh my memory of every single detail about him. and so far its been GREAT.